I fell in love once. I was barely 16. He was tall and shy. Quite introverted. He didn’t believe I loved him. He said I was “omo baba olowo” and an “efiko”, what did I see in him, a common school drop-out. I told him my love wasn’t about where he was coming from or what his story is but what we could build together. He was skeptical. Couldn’t imagine a future with me. Said I was high up there, how would we match? What would my parents say? So, I decided. If he was worried about his status and what my parents would say, why don’t we do something about it. I bought books, so we could learn together. He was aloof. Didn’t believe that he could meet up. Then the cheating began. He began seeing other girls he termed “not up to my class”, just so he could roll with people his equal. That hurt greatly. I saw my feelings and emotions tossed into the bin. It broke me. I tried not to give up, to fight for my man but all to no avail. He was gone. Gone to his equal and never believing that I loved him. Then I met a man, I was 18 years. He was strong, assertive and had a certain conservativeness. I was indifferent at first. Didn’t know if I could love again but I was willing to give it a try. He proved to want to build with me, so I gave in. I was gonna love this man. Then came the attitude. He spoke unruly to me. Spoke harshly to me in public. His claim; I’m so young, so I don’t know anything. He was all-knowing. Master of all. Always complained about something I did. I never did anything right unless he was involved. I had to fight that, for the sake of my sanity. Then came the doubt. How could I love him? I had parents who gave me everything and he has given me nothing. I tried to convince him that I did. Telling him I wouldn’t sacrifice all I did if I didn’t love him. He resented my ‘public figure’, who was always getting the attention and stealing the shine. He tried so hard to match up to me, thus making him become hard-boiled and inflexible. This hurt greatly. My emotions went down-hill but I stayed. Trying to make things work, saying he would change someday. But he never did. Then I met another man. He was older. He was introverted, shy and smart. I was 24 years old. After the last incident, I had hoped to love again. No holding back, giving my all. So I did. To him, I was young and too happy for his liking. I got excited easily and he couldn’t stand that. I didn’t mind, I was in love and I was gonna express myself. He met me at a rough time. I was in distress and the home-front wasn’t looking so good. So, naturally, he opted to cater for me. Then came the doubt. He didn’t believe that I loved him. How could I? His claim; I wanted to use him and leave. That hurt but I stayed. Saying I was gonna prove to him that what I felt was real. Then came the attitude, the cheating, he didn’t think he loved me enough. Advocating that I leave. But I didn’t. I was gonna fight for the man I love and make things work. It never did. Then he told me I had to stop loving him. Saying he was with me because I still loved him. That if I stopped, he’ll be able to move on. That shattered me. So, I began the journey of eradicating every feeling I had for him. I told him, he was right to do what he did to me. I told him I was responsible for the way he acted towards me. I took the blame and I moved on.
Philomena Akpan
Good